This Pondering Heart

When your entire world changes and you’ve been stripped of effective communication with everyone around you, a lot is going through your head.  The first two weeks here were hard. Like the kind of hard where it was difficult for me to find joy in the every day. To get out of bed. To feel Christ. To understand why I thought I could do something like this.  Questions of doubt and pure exhaustion continue to fill my days, but little by little I’m adjusting. I’m learning how to be okay with uncomfortable (this is mostly supported in prayer). I’m being humbled by the realization that I’m a 25 year old who has a child’s vocabulary and speaking ability.  So yeah, it’s still not easy, but the people are helping me get through.  ----------- My host fam. I already gushed about these personas bondadosas, I am aware. But they have welcomed me into their home and lives in such a special way.  I have spent hours (combined) playing games with Paola and Pablito (I ha...

Two posts in one week? She must be bored out of her mind in Guatemala.  I told you I’d be staying pretty connected while I’m studying and writing is so cathartic (only my fav way to digest, reflect and express my feelings). Por eso, you’re getting inundated (at least for now). -------- It’s hard to believe I’ve been in Central America for a full week. When people have reached out to me their first question is usually, “How are you?”  I don’t even know how to properly answer that because the range of emotions I feel in the first 4 minutes of every day marks all the colors in a rainbow.  But for a while now I’ve landed on being in a bit of a slump (one that has me feeling quite similar to the days when I’d cry at the color yellow). It’s discouragement and fear and an ugly dash of pride all globbed together convincing my rational thinking I’m not smart, good, worthy enough to be here, to catch onto the Spanish language, to fulfill this call. It’s trying to hu...

¿ Me veo nativo de Guatemala? Probably never will, but I’m working really hard on sounding like one.  I feel like I’ll be waking up from this dream at any minute. That the smells of la Ciudad Vieja will fade, my host family’s fast-paced voices will become muffled, and almost like it never happened, I’ll be back home in Estados Unidos con mi padres y hermano . But every morning I continue to open my eyes in a new bed, immersed in an unfamiliar culture. This is real. I’m living in Guatemala.  -------------- I’ve been surprised at how at peace I feel. I had a mini panic attack on the drive to the airport (definitely due to sheer anticipation) and a minor internal meltdown when the airline almost didn’t let me go through security because my return flight home was nonexistent, but mostly I’ve been embraced con una calma .  I credit this to the prayers you’ve rained down, to my patron saint of this entire journey (Saint Therese), and my loving Mother Mary who has...

I’m afraid I don’t have time to make this final post written in the states an eloquent one, but I wanted to throw down the random thoughts that keep surfacing on my heart (bear with me through the rocky transitions).  ---------- I’m at a full on sprint toward Honduras. Nothing is stopping me. I’m rolling into this like the giant snowball in that childhood book that caught everything in its path (does anyone else remember this?).  I’m excited. And nervous. But mostly afraid I won’t be able to handle my 70 pound suitcase and stuffed backpack (I want to bring so many books with me) once I actually hit the ground in Guatemala.  Despite these trepidations, I am confident it will work out. My anticipation has bubbled up and I’m just ready to go out and live this experience fully, intentionally and with great purpose.  -------- I feel like I could sleep for 48 hours straight (my brain could probably use the rest). I’ve been emotionally stretched and physicall...

You can find me in the corner of the room laugh-crying because I can’t believe my time in this city has expired.  --------------- My final adieu has been a long time coming. But God gave me three bonus months so my goodbye wasn’t rushed. For too much of my time here I was simply going through the motions, just living each day not able to see the shine of this time in my life.  Never again will I be 25 years young, living with two incredibly generous friends, have such easy access to the city of Boston, be comfortable in a meaningful job, work alongside many people I call my friends, and be in proximity to an entire community I’ve built from nothing.  --------------- I’ve done my best to slow moments down, committing them to memory in a way I hope I’ll never soon forget. I’ve breathed in feelings, emotions, and truly relished every inch of this space while I was in it: Like the time I led my last Rosary at work. I held it (mostly) together while praying bu...

18 days. That's all the time I have left in this community I consider home. My to-do list is long, my must-do list is even longer; it’s a hodgepodge of chores, ideas, activities floating around my head surfacing only when they’re desperately forced to gasp for air. I’m constantly crying. When my coworkers give me a longing look, someone I least expect generously supports my mission, or friends reminisce about a time we shared, tears immediately fall. And if I’m not silently sobbing, my head is in my hands, eyes squeezed tightly shut and I try to pull it together before I have a total meltdown in comprehending these hard goodbyes. Needless to say, I was in an emotional and mental place that required someone to get me moving, someone who knows me to my bones and loves me more than anyone. Luckily my sister is a planner, and was able to take an extended weekend to help order my chaos.  . I've always known how lucky I was to have a sister, let alone a sister I consider ...

I recently returned from an introductory retreat for my upcoming mission to Finca del Nino. And I’m carrying a wave of emotions with me as I settle back into Boston for the last time (the final stretch is here). Meeting (some of) my community was a blessing as we were able to take a minute to really begin to get to know each other (newsflash: they’re all awesome). Bonds were quickly formed and I’m already looking forward to spending a whole lot more time with them, as the ultimate goal is to sneak my way into each of their hearts. Aside from the opportunity of meeting my new family (yup, we’re already on that level), I walked away with a more tangible-ness of the finca, the children, and everything else that’s ahead of me this next year and a half. Let me tell you, I’m a jumble of nerves and excitement. We reflected a lot on the mission and after learning more about the inner workings of “a day in the life of a missionary,” we were asked to explore our own personal call to se...