As I'm neck deep in transition (again), I've found myself weepy at every turn.
I'm ready to leave Guatemala. I'm tired of (attempting to) formally learn Spanish. I'm eager to officially unpack my bag for longer than 7 weeks. I'm excited about being able to control the food portions I eat. I'm restless to finally be at the place I've been called to.
But with that restlessness comes nerves. And anxiety, questions, doubts, fears, and my usual dash of tears. Again I've found myself face to face with darkness.
I've been at my lowest here, with nobody who knows the deepest parts of my heart to physically pick me up. I'm no stranger to desperation in crying to mi maestra 3 days in a row or sitting in front of Christ in Adoration and feeling nothing. I've been tricked into invalidating every word and feeling that crossed my mind. And the ground is worn where I knelt sobbing asking Jesus where He was in my suffering, why He had left me in my darkest hour.
But in and through these moments I was drawn closer to Christ. He showed me mercy. I now have evidence that God fills in the emptiness with goodness and comfort, laughter and joy.
In wandering around like fools for hours. Being violently chased by dogs on a morning run. Taking a boat across Lago de Atitlan. Learning 6 person euchre. Letting yourself be enamored with the beautiful views. Discovering boiled plantains in sugary syrup is your least favorite texture, but finding such delight in tamales dulces (YUM). My clothes being MIA for 8+ days. Climbing a volcano (had to slide this in again). Learning about macadamia nuts, cocoa, tejido, tortillas, salsa (el baile), jade, the history of este pais.
Guatemala has shown me kindness in strangers. The beauty of uncomfortability. Laughter over ice cream (two or three days in a row). The power of prayer. That I am indeed a person who uses a headlamp. Coffee is always the answer (and you surprisingly don't mind powdered milk). A belief in fast friendships and the reminder there will be ones who need more charity. That learning a language doesn't happen overnight. How to quickly fall into an unexpected romance across the miles. A trust in breaking open (if only just a little) to my new friends. Understanding the pain I've felt is an invitation to sanctity, a purification.
I have found adventure here. I have searched for answers (mostly coming up empty). I have tried my best and failed miserably. But oh how I've grown.
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I still frequently question why I'm on this path. I wonder why He made it so easy for me to scream, "YES" six months ago to something that has been such an emotional and mental test.
But how in awe I am of how He's used this time to prepare me, to nurture relationship, to seek Truth.
Nos vemos, Guate. Gracias por las lecciones. Hasta que nos encontremos otra vez.
I'm ready to leave Guatemala. I'm tired of (attempting to) formally learn Spanish. I'm eager to officially unpack my bag for longer than 7 weeks. I'm excited about being able to control the food portions I eat. I'm restless to finally be at the place I've been called to.
But with that restlessness comes nerves. And anxiety, questions, doubts, fears, and my usual dash of tears. Again I've found myself face to face with darkness.
I've been at my lowest here, with nobody who knows the deepest parts of my heart to physically pick me up. I'm no stranger to desperation in crying to mi maestra 3 days in a row or sitting in front of Christ in Adoration and feeling nothing. I've been tricked into invalidating every word and feeling that crossed my mind. And the ground is worn where I knelt sobbing asking Jesus where He was in my suffering, why He had left me in my darkest hour.
But in and through these moments I was drawn closer to Christ. He showed me mercy. I now have evidence that God fills in the emptiness with goodness and comfort, laughter and joy.
In wandering around like fools for hours. Being violently chased by dogs on a morning run. Taking a boat across Lago de Atitlan. Learning 6 person euchre. Letting yourself be enamored with the beautiful views. Discovering boiled plantains in sugary syrup is your least favorite texture, but finding such delight in tamales dulces (YUM). My clothes being MIA for 8+ days. Climbing a volcano (had to slide this in again). Learning about macadamia nuts, cocoa, tejido, tortillas, salsa (el baile), jade, the history of este pais.
Guatemala has shown me kindness in strangers. The beauty of uncomfortability. Laughter over ice cream (two or three days in a row). The power of prayer. That I am indeed a person who uses a headlamp. Coffee is always the answer (and you surprisingly don't mind powdered milk). A belief in fast friendships and the reminder there will be ones who need more charity. That learning a language doesn't happen overnight. How to quickly fall into an unexpected romance across the miles. A trust in breaking open (if only just a little) to my new friends. Understanding the pain I've felt is an invitation to sanctity, a purification.
I have found adventure here. I have searched for answers (mostly coming up empty). I have tried my best and failed miserably. But oh how I've grown.
------------
I still frequently question why I'm on this path. I wonder why He made it so easy for me to scream, "YES" six months ago to something that has been such an emotional and mental test.
But how in awe I am of how He's used this time to prepare me, to nurture relationship, to seek Truth.
Nos vemos, Guate. Gracias por las lecciones. Hasta que nos encontremos otra vez.
Offering prayers for you as you make your way toward your next adventure! Memorare UP!
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