This Pondering Heart

When your entire world changes and you’ve been stripped of effective communication with everyone around you, a lot is going through your head.  The first two weeks here were hard. Like the kind of hard where it was difficult for me to find joy in the every day. To get out of bed. To feel Christ. To understand why I thought I could do something like this.  Questions of doubt and pure exhaustion continue to fill my days, but little by little I’m adjusting. I’m learning how to be okay with uncomfortable (this is mostly supported in prayer). I’m being humbled by the realization that I’m a 25 year old who has a child’s vocabulary and speaking ability.  So yeah, it’s still not easy, but the people are helping me get through.  ----------- My host fam. I already gushed about these personas bondadosas, I am aware. But they have welcomed me into their home and lives in such a special way.  I have spent hours (combined) playing games with Paola and Pablito (I have literally been coache

Two posts in one week? She must be bored out of her mind in Guatemala.  I told you I’d be staying pretty connected while I’m studying and writing is so cathartic (only my fav way to digest, reflect and express my feelings). Por eso, you’re getting inundated (at least for now). -------- It’s hard to believe I’ve been in Central America for a full week. When people have reached out to me their first question is usually, “How are you?”  I don’t even know how to properly answer that because the range of emotions I feel in the first 4 minutes of every day marks all the colors in a rainbow.  But for a while now I’ve landed on being in a bit of a slump (one that has me feeling quite similar to the days when I’d cry at the color yellow). It’s discouragement and fear and an ugly dash of pride all globbed together convincing my rational thinking I’m not smart, good, worthy enough to be here, to catch onto the Spanish language, to fulfill this call. It’s trying to humiliate me, fi

¿ Me veo nativo de Guatemala? Probably never will, but I’m working really hard on sounding like one.  I feel like I’ll be waking up from this dream at any minute. That the smells of la Ciudad Vieja will fade, my host family’s fast-paced voices will become muffled, and almost like it never happened, I’ll be back home in Estados Unidos con mi padres y hermano . But every morning I continue to open my eyes in a new bed, immersed in an unfamiliar culture. This is real. I’m living in Guatemala.  -------------- I’ve been surprised at how at peace I feel. I had a mini panic attack on the drive to the airport (definitely due to sheer anticipation) and a minor internal meltdown when the airline almost didn’t let me go through security because my return flight home was nonexistent, but mostly I’ve been embraced con una calma .  I credit this to the prayers you’ve rained down, to my patron saint of this entire journey (Saint Therese), and my loving Mother Mary who has constantly gu